The Life and Awesome of Liz Quilty
A kid paints a 60 foot long penis on his parents roof for google earth, parents didnt notice until somebody flew over in a helicopter and told them about it !
Legendary pilot decided to pray instead of trying to land a plane, he got 10 years in jail!
Once upon a time there was a young girl named Helen who bought a donkey
from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day.
When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, ‘Sorry miss, I have some
bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I’m afraid
he’s dead.’
Helen replied,’ Well then, just give me my money back.’ The farmer
said, ‘I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Helen said, ‘OK then, just unload the donkey anyway.’ The farmer
asked, ‘What are ya gonna do with him?’
Helen said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer exclaimed, ‘You
can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
But Helen, with a big smile on her face, said ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I
just won’t tell anybody that he’s dead.’
A month later the farmer met up with Helen and asked, ‘What happened with
that dead donkey?’
Helen said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $798.00.’
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the
donkey being dead?’
Helen replied, ‘The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was
the raffle winner, when he came to claim his
prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the
going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really
great girl.’
Helen grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of New Zealand, and
no matter how many times she lied or how
much money she stole from Kiwi voters, as long as she gave them back
some of the stolen money, most of them thought
she was a great person.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to goup there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy driveis going to cost us
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.
‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last onefor my self.’
Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’
‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’
‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,’ she said
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’ ‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’
Well,since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a womanin more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we bothnow have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’
You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you
Sothe genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over andlooked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’
‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.
‘No Kidding,’ he said. ‘Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?’