Category: Humour

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Little Helen

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Helen who bought a donkey
from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, ‘Sorry miss, I have some
bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I’m afraid
he’s dead.’

Helen replied,’ Well then, just give me my money back.’ The farmer
said, ‘I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Helen said, ‘OK then, just unload the donkey anyway.’ The farmer
asked, ‘What are ya gonna do with him?’

Helen said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer exclaimed, ‘You
can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

But Helen, with a big smile on her face, said ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I
just won’t tell anybody that he’s dead.’

A month later the farmer met up with Helen and asked, ‘What happened with
that dead donkey?’

Helen said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $798.00.’

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the
donkey being dead?’

Helen replied, ‘The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was
the raffle winner, when he came to claim his
prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the
going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really
great girl.’

Helen grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of New Zealand, and
no matter how many times she lied or how
much money she stole from Kiwi voters, as long as she gave them back
some of the stolen money, most of them thought
she was a great person.

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Best Genie Story

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to goup there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy driveis going to cost us

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last onefor my self.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,’ she said

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’ ‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’

Well,since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a womanin more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we bothnow have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you

Sothe genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over andlooked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said. ‘Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?’

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21 Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive