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Valentines Cards with a twist

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life!

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming!

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not!

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed!

I always thought I could love no other
That is, you see … til I met your brother!

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls’s empty and so is your head!

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off your face!

I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe: “Go to hell”!

What inspired this amourous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

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Why I Fired My Secretary

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN’T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”, AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

I THOUGHT… WELL, THAT’S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN’T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, “GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O’CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, �YOU KNOW, IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET’S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME.”

I SAID, “THANKS JANE, THAT’S THE GREATEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET’S GO!”

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN’T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.

WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, “YOU KNOW, IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY… WE DON’T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?”

I RESPONDED, “I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?” SHE SAID, “LET’S GO TO MY APARTMENT.”

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, “BOSS, IF YOU DON’T MIND, I’M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.”

“OK.” I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE… FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.

AND I JUST SAT THERE…

ON THE COUCH…

NAKED

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Xmas Poem for Kiwis

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach,
Not even a weta was making a scratch.
Woolly socks were hung by the potbelly with care,
In the hopes that Santa soon would be there.
The children were snoozing in a light summer’s breeze,
Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime green cream freeze.
And dad in his walk shorts and me in my jandals,
Had just settled down for a couple of handles.
When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus,
I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was.
I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing,
Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians.
The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp,
Lit the beach up just like Eden Park.
But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep,
A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep.
With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta,
I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa.
Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came,
And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name.
Now, Kevin! now, Sharlene! now, Rangi and Beck!
On, Darryl! On Shazza! on, Bilbo and Shrek!
To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall,
Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, All!
As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly,
When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky.
So up to the top of the bach they flew,
With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too.
With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof,
Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs.
And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge,
Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound.
He was wearing board shorts, and gumboots on foot.
And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot.
A bundle of toys he had on his back,
As if on OE with a brand new Macpac.
He looked like he’d come from the beauty parlour,
With rosy red cheeks like pohutukawa.
A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair,
With wee little tufts growing out of his ears.
He had a broad chest and a round beer gut,
That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit,
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn’t stop it.
He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up,
And I quickly realised he wasn’t a nut.
He went straight to the socks without saying a thing,
And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings.
Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch,
He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash.
He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition,
And then they took off, like some NASA mission.
But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
“Merry Christmas to all, have a bl#*dy good night!”