funny – Page 6 – LizQuilty.com

SYMPTOM	CAUSE	CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass Being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper Bladder Control	! Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	a. Glass empty. b. You’re holding a Coors Lite	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear	It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up	Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking! or putting on makeup	You’re in the ladies’ room	Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in	You’ve wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk	a. You’re in jail b. You’re in the navy	Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps	You’re in a gay bar	Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and early 70’s !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitch hiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at6.00pm and didn’t open on the weekends, somehow we didn’t starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

0AWe would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time…

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully’s always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

Tag: funny

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Congratulations to all my friends born before the 80s …..