Tag: Humour

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Cycling Fun jokes etc

Excellent Fixie vs Road Cyclists Rap

fail-owned-bike-repair-fail

YOU KNOW YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CYCLING IF….

  • You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”
  • You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike…you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
  • You buy your crutches instead of renting.
  • You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
  • You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers
  • You refuse to buy a settee because that patch of wall space is taken up by the bike.
  • You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
  • Biker chick means black lycra, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.
  • “Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries” is for you.
  • You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.
  • You empathize with the roadkill.
  • Despite all that winter weight you put on, you’ll take off weight by buying titanium components
  • You use wax on your chain, but not on your legs (girls).
  • You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys)
  • Your current bike is older than your grown up children.
  • Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.
  • You yell “Car!” when passing another car, and “Bump!” when you see a pothole – while driving your car.
  • Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car’s odometer.
  • You wear your bike shorts swimming.
  • You wear Voodoo T-shirts all the time, including under dress shirts.
  • Your bikes are worth more than your car.
  • You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.
  • When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
  • You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.
  • You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
  • You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
  • You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.
  • You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads.
  • You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
  • You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
  • You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 5:30 AM for a hundred-miler.
  • You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
  • Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
  • You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it’s to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.
  • You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
  • When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
  • Your kids bring a rear derailleur to “Show & Tell”.
  • Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
  • Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.
  • A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.
  • You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
  • You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.
  • You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
  • There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead…
  • You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
  • You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.
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How to get out of Jury Duty (funny)

There are probably better ways to avoid jury duty than the approach recently taken by a Montana man.

After Erik Slye, 36, received a jury notice earlier this year, he filed a notarized affidavit seeking to be excused from serving on a District Court panel in Gallatin County.   Slye’s caustic affidavit, which he prepared with help from his wife Jennifer, can be found below.

The document, of course, did not sit well with court officials and led a judge to threaten to jail Slye. But after being summoned to court, Slye apologized for the affidavit and avoided being cited on a criminal failure to appear rap. And he also was excused from serving on a jury.

nojurydutyplease

Found over at http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0430091jury1.html

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Best Genie Story

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to goup there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy driveis going to cost us

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last onefor my self.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,’ she said

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’ ‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’

Well,since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a womanin more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we bothnow have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you

Sothe genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over andlooked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said. ‘Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?’