Tag: joke

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Story of Creation

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

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Bridge To Hawaii

‘The Bridge’ A man was riding his Harley Davidson along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’ The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’ The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that

bridge?’

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You Know you grew up in the 80s if…

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE”.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the “Fresh Prince of Belair ” …and can do the “Carlton”.
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. “WOAH ” comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: Hammer Pants.
9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock “.
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and “spokey-dokes” or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales “. (Woo ooh!)
12. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
13. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
14. You saw the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ” on the big screen… and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game “MASH “. (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear… need I say more.
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM ” in Kindergarten. (She’s truly outrageous)
21. You remember reading “Tales of a fourth grade nothing ” and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”.
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us… head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school… and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say “NOT ” after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hookup.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in neon colors, too)
35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. “Don’t worry, be happy”
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do…getting yelled at by “younger hip” members of the family)
46. “Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK ”
47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
48. You remember watching both “Gremlins” movies.
49. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!”
50. You remember watching “Rainbow Bright” and “My Little Pony Tales ”
51. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool… and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”.
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By the Bell “, the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi – SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
56. You just sang those words to yourself.
57.You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
58. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)
59. You remember when mullets were cool!
60. You had a mullet!
61. You still sing “We are the World”
62. You tight rolled your jeans.
63. You owned a bannana clip.
64. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
65. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ about Willis?”
66. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
67. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head,aren’t you!