Tag: joke

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21 Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

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Eukanuba Diet

here is a little joke that is quiet funny and yet quite believable that
people would try such a diet…

The Eukanuba Diet

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food and standing in a queue at the
checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse I told her no,
I
was starting the Eukanuba Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because
I’d ended up in hospital last time, but that was because I’d lost 22 kilos
before I woke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is
load
your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going
to try it again.

I have to mention here that, by now, practically everyone in the queue was
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified,
she asked if I’d ended up in hospital because I’d been poisoned. I told her
no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

I thought one guy was gonna have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Stupid cow… why else would I buy dog food?!

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When Girls Dont Put out

Girls — Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one
to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
“WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
“Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch
knows I’m smarter than her.

Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree,
forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have BALLS !!!!