Month: March 2009

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Friendship

Are you tired of those asinine “friendship” poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here’s a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad – I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused – I will use little words.

7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

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Valentines Cards with a twist

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life!

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming!

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not!

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed!

I always thought I could love no other
That is, you see … til I met your brother!

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls’s empty and so is your head!

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off your face!

I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe: “Go to hell”!

What inspired this amourous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

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Why I Fired My Secretary

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN’T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”, AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

I THOUGHT… WELL, THAT’S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN’T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, “GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O’CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, �YOU KNOW, IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET’S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME.”

I SAID, “THANKS JANE, THAT’S THE GREATEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET’S GO!”

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN’T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.

WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, “YOU KNOW, IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY… WE DON’T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?”

I RESPONDED, “I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?” SHE SAID, “LET’S GO TO MY APARTMENT.”

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, “BOSS, IF YOU DON’T MIND, I’M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.”

“OK.” I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE… FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.

AND I JUST SAT THERE…

ON THE COUCH…

NAKED