Wild Youth Joke

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 75).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

“What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,

knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response….

“Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Burger Fuel Spam

Just got an email from Burger Fuel …. Its kinda funny/witty and yet still so sad ..

Dear person who didn’t click delete,

We know you knew the minute you gave us your email address, it was only a matter of time before we spammed you? But, since you’ve made it this far, why not give us a chance to give you free stuff and make it up to you? Think of us as the girl in music video who just wants to love you if you give her a chance or the best “guy friend” in the movie that you were always meant to be with.

We usually send these emails to our VIBs (Very Important Burger connoisseurs) who get stuff that no one else does, so think of this as a sneak preview of what our beautiful relationship could be like. There’s usually no Taylor Swift references in our VIB emails, but the girls in the Marketing department won’t stop talking about it so we had to put it in, so I apologise for that.

We don’t want to be those annoying guys that send you endless amounts of crap that you never bother reading, so if you’re not interested in giving us a chance, then just click unsubscribe (at the top) from the mailing list (we won’t be offended). If you’re keen to stay, then just relax and enjoy the bribe.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM

CAUSE

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet

Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper Bladder Control

!

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.

b. You’re holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

You have fallen forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear

It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking! or putting on makeup

You’re in the ladies’ room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in

You’ve wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

a. You’re in jail

b. You’re in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps

You’re in a gay bar

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves

Don’t remember the words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar