How to drive your developer Insane

This was found through Digg on another blog … had to repost it because it was priceless …

How to Drive your Website Developer Insane: A Primer Thursday, March 23, 2006

oft-quoted nugget of wisdom in the consumer world is, �The squeaky
wheel gets the grease.� While this is certainly true for situations
such as getting the wrong cup of coffee, putting together a puzzle only
to find the last piece missing, or demanding that your meal be free
because you found a hair in the salad you already finished eating,
sadly, the business world has largely turned its back on this
philosophy. Many businesses, especially in the Web site design and
development field, have overdone the �customer/client is always right�
mantra and will cave in to your demands, nodding emphatically while
looking for the closest window to hurl their fragile programmer bodies
through. In fact, Web developers go to site design meetings expecting
to be driven insane in any number of ways. No, really: we like it. So
here are some tips to help you give us what we really want while surely
amusing yourselves in the process.

1) Perfect the �concerned
eyebrow crunch� and use it randomly. When the designer asks if you like
your navigation how it is, even if you do, crunch your eyebrows and
look concerned. Squint your eyes and half-mutter, �Ehhhhh��
non-committally. Do this again when they ask if you like their
suggestions for changing the navigation. Few things are more confusing
than random, concerned eyebrow crunching. We want to please you! Why
won�t you let us?!

2) Interrupt your programmer�s overview of
proposed section headers with the fact that you really want the focus
to be on executive bios. You want huge pictures of you and your friends
carefully selected high-ranking staff to be on the homepage. *Note:
this works best if you and your staff have any/all of the following
looks: a penchant for flannel, bad ties, weird facial hair, bad toupee,
ill-fitting clothing, no women executives, no minorities, a really
creepy smile.

3) Talk about how you�d like a complicated splash
page for the site. Tell the developer you want anyone who tries to skip
over the splash page immediately re-directed. Use the phrase �flash
intro� and �no skip button� with a smile and pretend like you know what
you�re talking about. Shoot down any proposal that does not include a
splash page. Offer a tissue when the programmer starts to cry.

Use the word �homepage� liberally. Insist that any and every page of
the site has a link back to the homepage, using that exact phrase. Some
suggested dialogue: �If we don�t say �homepage� and have link back to
the �homepage� then no one will know how to get back to our �homepage.�
We really need to have a �homepage� link on every page. This is a
must-have item.� For fun, count the number of times the programmer
visibly twitches uncomfortably after the word �homepage.� If you can
get the count over 10, buy yourself a candy bar as a reward.

Constantly bring up your expert programmer son/cousin/close family
friend. Make one up if you don�t really have one! Be sure to give them
the most annoying qualities possible and make sure they always give the
opposite advice of the programmer actually working on the project. This
programmer wants to do the site in PHP? Well, your obscure relative
says ASP is really better. Use the most condescending tone possible and
trail off at the end, leaving an uncomfortable silence. Try undermining
the programmer on such topics as site security, hosting choice, use of
javascript, cross-browser css and anything having to do with e-mail.
Insert concerned eyebrow crunching where necessary to punctuate your
disdain of the programmer�s suggestions.

6) Demand that your
site show up first in a google search, no matter what your industry. If
you sell trash bags, you want to be first for trash bags, trash cans,
and anytime anyone searches for anything on the web while even thinking
about trash. While you�re at it, say you want to be first in Yahoo too.
Balk at the proposed cost for such services. Set your search engine
budget ridiculously low and threaten to cancel the project if your
search goals aren�t met. Never mind if it�s actually impossible to
guarantee being first on a google search � make sure your programmer
knows that there are at least three other firms who promise this goal
in writing. Should your programmer respond by trying to stab him or
herself in the eye with a sharpened pencil, buy yourself several boxes
of Girl Scout cookies and call it a day. You�ve won!

Used alone or combined, any of these tips are guaranteed to make your next Web site meeting a thousand times more enjoyable.

We take no responsibility for the consequences of using these tips in
the real world. You could be putting your life on the line here, not to
mention the sanity of another human being. Well, we tried to warn you.

Original Blog

#7. (Addition from Digg comments): Keep telling him how you need it
done ASAP – call 5x per day if needed but when he requires anything
from you, wait 3 weeks to bring it over – but when you do drop it off
call again right away complaining why it’s not done yet. (how many of
us have gone through that lol)

#8. My own addition: Call
programmer to inform him/her that there is an error on the development
site while s/he is working on it, as you are hitting *refresh* every
second to check the progress.

#9. Digg addition: Ask for a new
design fully knowing that there are 1500 static pages on the site
because the previous designer was a retard and couldn’t use a template.

Digg addition: Even though your designer has come up with a great,
unique, new design for your site, insist that they copy the website
that you ‘saw that looked really neat’.

#11. Digg addition:
Request a face-to-face meeting with your designer. When the designer
arrives simply request one link to be changed then end the meeting.
This is a very effective technique for pushing offsite designers to the
brink of insanity. If the designer asks you to send simple change
requests by email or phone, ignore that.

Story of Creation

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.