Feet cold and wet

Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper Bladder Control


Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.

b. You’re holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

You have fallen forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear

It’s water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking! or putting on makeup

You’re in the ladies’ room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in

You’ve wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

a. You’re in jail

b. You’re in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps

You’re in a gay bar

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves

Don’t remember the words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar

Buying things on trademe

Okay Ive had a few questions for a ‘Buyers’ Trademe hints and tips. Here goes.

  • $1 Reserves
  • Bidding Hours
  • Prices
  • Postage
  • Contact
  • Feedback
  • Expensive/Large Items
  • Testing
  • Changing your mind
  • Honesty

$1 Reserves

Watch the $1 reserves. If you customize your left hand menu (click the Customize and change it to full) you can have the $1 reserves at hand all the time.

Bidding Hours

NEVER bid on anything during the hours of 5pm-11pm. This is when the most people are on and bidding goes through the roof. You can pay up to twice as much by bidding on things at this time of night.

Go online at obscure hours to check. The first thing i do in the morning is check trademe. The amount of people between 6am-9am is low so you often dont get the bidding wars you would get in the evening.


Check the price before buying, compare with similar items. Often you might think what you’re getting is a bargain only to find out you overpaid. Bid with your mind not your heart or testicles (dont worry if you miss out, there will ALWAYS be another one).


Check the price of postage, some traders sell at a loss and make it up on $10-$20 postage. They use the excuse that 1 price for North Island one for South, and they dont allow pickups (even if they live next door).


Contact as quickly as possible. If you won the auction and want it, then email them. Never get nasty in emails, even if you waited 2 weeks. Whatever may have happened may be a genuine problem with the seller (got sick, other commitments etc). Hold back on placing bad feedback until at least 1 month after resolution. Never post bad feedback in a fit of anger.


Check the feedback on a user before bidding! if a user has less than 10 feedbacks, more than 5-10% bad feedbacks (ie only 90% good) then dont trade with them unless you are going to pickup, and see the items before paying.
Also take into account the bad feedbacks they do have – are they just idiots who had no idea the rules of trademe? or long time trademe users that know whats going on?
Check out this cool tool for filtering feedback

Large/Expensive Items

Dont bid on large expensive items unless you can pickup (ie Laptops, TVs etc). If they get shipped and broken or lost (or the buyer claims they were and just scammed you) then somebody has lost $1000 or more.


Test things before you pay and go home. If you break it or find out that its not working a few days later then its not entirely believeable.

Changing your mind

If you buy something and change your mind later for whatever reason …

a) you are an idiot – its annoying and waste of time to the buyer
b) dont try and lie and make up some stupid story about your account being hacked, the kids did it, your dog did it, some flatmate did it – nobodys that stupid
c) admit that you did it and apolagise, take the bad feedback without returning it.
d) let them refund their sucess fee
e) give them good feedback, if nothing else for wasting their time.

Ive done this, i got over eager and carried away and ended up bidding on something that was more $ than i had. I realized what an idiot i was, emailed the user and was most apolagetic. I told the truth and was lucky enough to not get a bad feedback on it.

My point is, everyone makes mistakes, dont make it worse by making up a lame excuse 🙂


And along the lines of that … if you cant pay till next pay day – most people are happy if you say ‘ill put the money through next tuesday’. They tend to get annoyed if you claim you already put the money through when you clearly didnt or some other excuse that you got held up.

Trademe hints and tips – a Guide on how to make sure you get the best out of your auction

If you want to get rid of stuff and dont have the time to sell it, i suggest Trade My Stuff
The key reasons for low prices on trademe are:

  • Bad finish time
  • Wrong category
  • Crap or no pic
  • Crap title/description
  • Answer Questions
  • Feedback
  • Auto Extend
  • Prices/Postage
  • Shorthand

Bad Finish Time

Having an auction that finishes at 3am in the morning may NOT get you the best price for your goods. The reason? Well how many people are up at 3am browsing trademe? Seriously? Look at the stats on the trademe website, find out the most popular time and day, aim to close your auction at that time. This means you will have more people watching.
Find your Market here

Wrong Category

If you want to find a fish bowl, you look under pets -> fish. Not kitchen bowls! Therefore why would you list it there?
Entirely so many auctions finish below their potential because they are in the wrong category.
However on the upside, often I have bought things for less that were listed in the wrong category and made a bit of money on them reselling them with the right category 🙂

Crap or no pic

Its a fact that a picture will sell an item. If im looking in a shop i like to see what im buying before i buy it.
A camera is cheap and you only need a 1-2MP one for trademe stuff.

When taking photos of items, take them from the same level or slightly raised from the item, this lets the person see it from the front and perhaps other sides.
Make sure there isn’t a lot of background noise – ie messy shelves, tv, garbage, household stuff – in the background. A sheet behind or under the item means users can ONLY see the item for sale and don’t get distracted.

Often ive seen an item and then the background is a filthy garage – it makes a person not want to buy an item because i would assume its probably not looked after like the rest of the garage.


A blurry or dark picture is worse than no picture at all almost, do take a couple of pictures, choose the best one. Things always look nicer when photographed outside in the sunshine or in natural light rather than using a flash. Make sure also the item fills the photo – there isn’t a lot of blank space around it. Sometimes things need a hand or person standing next to it so users can get perspective on the actual size – measurements don’t always do the trick (though always include them).

Doesnt hurt to add a 30px bright red or orange or similar border to your main photo so it stands out amongst the crowed either 🙂kettle
Please check that your reflection is NOT in the photos, plenty of auctions have been made famous by hairy naked mens reflections in items they were selling!! (yes the makeup guy on trademe and the kettle man on ebay

Crap title/description

If your title sucks, so will your auction. If a person is looking at a category listing or search of 50 items all identical yours will NOT stand out if it says ‘fish bowl’.
Try something like ‘Super clear large round fish bowl 500mm’. Some people resort to using patterned ASCII (****** LIKE THIS ********, or *~.~`OR THIS`~.~*), though im not overly a great fan of it.
Particularly for those where English is a second language, MAKE SURE YOU SPEAK GOOD ENGLAND! If you cannot take the time to make sure your auction reads fine then others cant find the time to bid on it. Nobody is going to bid on auction that are in txt speak (THS IS GD 4 U), or yelled (ALL IN CAPS IS CALLED YELLING), or even in alternating caps/non caps (tHiS lOoKs StUpId).

Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is your ‘homie’ or ‘bro’, talking ‘getto’ or that ‘maori/billy T’ street slang isn’t that great, in fact some people see you typing as if you are talking to you mates may presume that you are an uneducated idiot, or thief, and not wish to trade with you.

Answer Questions

If you don’t answer questions, people will assume that you are trying to hide something. Always be polite no matter how annoying or stupid a question is.


If your feedback sucks, or is low then you won’t get the same price for your goods. People DO understand if you have the odd bad feedback however from the jerk who sold you a dud and then gave you bad feedback because you placed bad feedback first.
Dont be a git and place bad feedback on others if you were the one at fault, NZ is a small place and word does get around 🙂

Auto Extend

ALWAYS USE AUTO EXTEND! Its a great feature. Most auctions get their bids in the last couple of minutes, if your auction doesn’t auto extend then you won’t get as good a price.


Always (where possible) state postage costs. Dont quote $3.50 then send it in a 90c envelope (thanks babysister for that suggestion) $1 reserve does NOT mean its going to sell for $1, it just means that it is definately going to be sold at the end of the auction.
I often have $1 reserve auctions as they bring in a lot of watchers very early on thinking they are going to get a bargin, then at the end they all get hyped up in a bidding frenzy and often you will get a better price than you could have otherwise. This only really works if you follow the other rules.


Bump = This is what somebody says in the forums to ‘bump’ up a topic, They are listed in ‘last replied to’ order
a hundy = hundred dollers
ROTFLMAO = Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off (ROTFL you can guess from that)
LOL = Laughing out loud

And if all that confuses you and you just want to get rid old stuff, try checking out these guys who will sell your stuff on trademe for you!